No Smoke Without Fire
by lizziecorday
Summary: A detailed narration of Kerry's actions and thoughts, Sx10 Epx18 'Where There's Smoke', after the calling of Sandy's death.
1. Time of Death

'You can stop, she's gone..' The sound was barely audible as it passed Kerry's lips.

'Kerry-' Elizabeth began before catching herself. There was nothing she could say to comfort the woman staring, glassy eyed at the firefighter on the table between them.

'Time of death, 16:32.'

'I'm sorry.' Elizabeth whispered, setting down the internal paddles as the other surgeons filtered out of the room.

A surgical tech moved around Sandy, dressing her down and preparing the death kit as Kerry remained motionless, tracing circles on the other woman's forehead.

'Kerry, maybe you'd be more comfortable..' Elizabeth began again, gesturing to the waiting room outside of the OR doors. She knew how empty her suggestion was, there was nothing anybody could say, nothing anybody could do to fix the broken woman on the table.

Sandy Lopez was gone. And Kerry was alone.


	2. Her Wife, Her Lover

She stayed by her side in the OR, as moments turned into minutes, which turned into hours. Clasping her hand which hung limp from her arm. Brushing the hair from her face, hooking it behind her ear, over and over. Only blinking every now and then, afraid to let her eyes wander from her love. Afraid she'd disappear.

Sandy was gone. Kerry had known that she had slipped away as the monitors sounded frantically, the surgeons despaired and cussed under their breaths, and the dark red poured from her ET tube. But she couldn't bear to leave her alone on the table.

'Kerry.' Elizabeth pushed open the door and slowly made her way to the centre of the room. 'Kerry, they need to take her now.'

The hand on her hair stilled as she tightened her grasp on her lover's hand. 'Can you take it out?'

'By law we're not supposed-'

'Please.'

Elizabeth paused, nodding. 'Of course.' She cut the tube as Kerry sat staring. 'I'm so sorry.'

Kerry didn't look away as Elizabeth pulled the tube from the firefighter's airway and gently closed her mouth.

She slowly lifted her hand, Sandy's entwined, and placed it on her still chest, a sad smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Folding her palms together and smoothing out the gown around her body, Kerry pressed a single kiss to her forehead.

She was her wife. Her lover. The mother of her child, and her best friend. And it was all gone. In the blink of an eye and a single tear, a life had vanished.


	3. I'm Here

She sat alone in the dark lounge, expression blank and unmoving as her hand rested gently on the helmet beside her. Kerry had left the OR a few hours beforehand as they'd come to move Sandy out. She'd sat on the stool long after she'd been wheeled out of the room, only moving when Elizabeth had come to find her. 'Kerry, let's go..' she had whispered as she took the other woman's shoulders and set her down in the lounge. She didn't try to comfort her with empty apologies, or try to convince her that everything _'_ _would be okay_ _'_ _,_ Elizabeth knew better than most that those were lies; hollow promises that couldn't be kept. Instead she hung her head as she closed the door behind her, leaving Kerry alone with her thoughts.

Moments later the door pushed open again and Abby set herself beside Kerry on the sofa. They sat in silence for a few moments, side by side in the dark as the air hung heavy between them. 'Is there anything I can do?' Abby whispered. 'Do you want me to watch Henry, or do you need a ride home?'

'He's… with Sandy's family.' She managed to choke out between raggedly drawn breaths.

'Dr. Weaver. It's okay.' Abby said, reaching out to stroke Kerry's shoulder as her body began shaking and she was suddenly wracked by sobs. 'It's okay.'

Kerry leant into Abby, resting her head on the other woman's chest as the tears spilled from her eyes and onto her cheeks.

Abby gently rubbed circles on her back, whispering in hushed tones, 'Shh, it's okay.'

She was taken by surprise as the usually so composed woman, lie shaking in her arms as grief engulfed her. The woman who wouldn't put up with nonsense from anybody, the talented ER doctor with years of experience under her belt - their Chief. It was awful, Abby thought, how tides could change in a matter of moments, how worlds could be turned upside down with a few courageous decisions, or a number of instinct reactions. How the loss of a single person could tear even the strongest of people in two.

There was nothing she could say, nothing she could do, that would comfort Kerry in these hours she would spend reeling from the tragedy. Instead she held the woman in her lap, stroking her hair, and hushing her whimpers, and letting her cry until she could no more.

'It's okay,' Abby repeated countless times. 'I'm here.' All she could do was be there, be a friend.


End file.
